Conversion practices destroyed my self-confidence - Ian's story
For 15 years, Ian endured conversion practices. Now he is speaking out and calling on the Government to ban these practices once and for all. He shares his story:
When I was 16, I went through conversion practices, and this went on for around 15 years. I was very involved in evangelical churches in the UK – both Methodist and Independent. I remember very vividly being heavily taught that “there was no such thing as a gay Christian". Gay people in our church were demonised, and this led me to believe that my sexuality was against God’s will.
As a young man this created real dilemma in me, but eventually I came out to a youth counsellor. The first thing that he said to me was “tell me about your mother, Ian” and he went on to tell me that being gay was caused by having a dominant mother and a quiet father.
Initially, I was amazed at the love and seeming care that was presented to me. However, there was also an expectation that I would change.
I was invited to prayer meetings and counselling sessions in attempts to pray me straight and “heal” me.
When people you respect and trust offer you “help” at a time when you’re distressed and scared, you take it. In that sense, some might say I consented to conversion practices because I believed what I was told and went along with it. But conversion practices are inherently coercive. Looking back, I can see that the consent I gave doesn’t hold up, it doesn’t take account of my vulnerable state at the time, and it doesn't make what I went through any less harmful.
But this only made the dilemma in me worse. The expectation from people that I looked up to that I would be healed was enormous – and because it wasn’t happening, I started to believe that I must be the problem. It got so bad that eventually I just told them that it had worked, I told them I was straight. But the truth was that I just needed it to be over.
The damage conversion practices did to me was enormous, it destroyed my self-confidence, created inner turmoil and conflict and impacted my mental health. For a long time, I minimised what I had been through and the effect it had on me.
However, a moment of revelation showed me the subtlety of the abuse I had gone through, dressed up in love and compassion. And, although seemingly undramatic compared to what others have endured, this subtle, coercive, and controlling practice I was subjected to is equally damaging - and all too common.
Eventually I walked away from the church in my thirties, fell in love, and have lived as an out gay man since. Working with a theatre maker based in Los Angeles, I confronted my past, and together we wrote "Locusts" - a play that shines a clear light on the kind of conversion practices which I experienced.
The fact that conversion practices are still legal today, and that there are countless people that have been through what I have been through appalls and angers me. Conversion practices need to be stopped, and they need to be stopped now. The delay has been too long already.
-
