What you can do

Coming out - advice and guidance for parents

Questions frequently asked by parents with LGBT children

For parents

As a parent, you may have understandable questions or concerns if you think that your child might be lesbian, gay, bi and/or trans (LGBT). We've answered some of the most common ones below.

I think that my child might be LGBT. How can I be sure?

Until your child comes and tells you that they are, or might be LGBT, you can’t know. Try not to make assumptions and let them come and tell you in their own time. Create a positive environment where your child feels able to talk to you about their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. For example, say positive things about LGBT people when they’re on TV and don’t allow others to say negative things under your roof.

But I don’t agree with it

The truth is, if you’ve got a problem with the idea of your child being LGBT, you’re going to have to live with it and accept it. The best thing you can do is put your feelings to one side and remember that, regardless of your child's sexual orientation and gender identity, you love them and want them to be happy. As for other family members: if they don’t react well initially, put some rules in place and establish what can and can’t be said in front of your child.

Talking about it is a good thing

One thing you can do is give them the information they need to make good decisions. LGBT young people often lack access to information about their rights, where to access support, sex and staying safe - even if you feel like you can’t talk about it personally, you should at least be able to point them in the direction of the information they need. You can contact Stonewall's Information Service for pointers. 

Won’t being LGBT make their life harder for them?

One of the hardest things for LGBT people to face is rejection from their friends and family. New laws have made our country fairer and more equal. Same-sex couples can now get married and have children, and there is legislation to protect LGBT people in the workplace. There are more LGBT role models in the arts, politics and sport, and those people who have a problem with LGBT people are an increasingly small minority.

Support if your child comes out as bi

At Stonewall, we use 'bi' to mean anyone who is attracted to more than one gender. This includes, but is not limited to, bisexual, queer, pan and bi-curious. If your child comes out as bi, the best thing you can do is to recognise this identity as real and valid in its own right, not 'half gay and half straight'. While it may be tempting to assume your child is just 'going through a phase', this can be really damaging to bi people as it suggests what they're experiencing is temporary and unimportant. 

For some, coming out as bi may be a part of them coming out as lesbian or gay, but this is certainly not the case for all bi people. We'd encourage you to be led by your child in terms of how they describe their sexual orientation, and not to dismiss their feelings or experiences.

Support if your child comes out as trans

Gendered Intelligence works with the trans community, and those who have an impact on trans lives. They specialise in supporting young trans people aged 8 to 25. They have produced a free guide with trans young people and their parents. It discusses various issues and concerns that parents and family members of trans people have and includes useful information, stories and quotes.

Need some more support?

You can find LGBT-friendly solicitors and other useful contacts through Stonewall's online database What's In My Area.

For further information contact Stonewall's Information Service.

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