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Why we need your support

Research conducted by YouGov for Stonewall shows just how widespread and urgent this problem is in our schools:

Nine in ten secondary school teachers and more than two in five primary school teachers (44 per cent) say children and young people, regardless of their sexual orientation, currently experience homophobic bullying, name calling or harassment in their schools.
In addition to direct bullying, 95 per cent of secondary school teachers and three quarters of primary school teachers report hearing the phrases ‘you’re so gay’ or ‘that’s so gay’ in their schools. Eight in ten secondary school teachers and two in five primary school teachers report hearing other insulting homophobic remarks such as ‘poof’, ‘dyke’, ‘queer’ and ‘faggot’.
Teachers are desperately under-equipped to tackle this huge problem. Nine in ten teachers and non-teaching staff at secondary and primary schools have never received any specific training on how to prevent and respond to homophobic bullying.

For more information about homophobic bullying in schools please see Stonewall's research.

Case studies

Jess, 16

How would you describe your school experience?
My school experience never really varied from day-to-day. Every day I went in would be predictable, the same things would happen, I was made to feel isolated. As I got older things got easier, but to many I was only ever known for the wrong reasons; I was only known as ‘the lesbian in year 11’.

You experienced homophobic bullying at school. Can you talk us through what happened to you?
After I had told a new found confidant shortly after making the transition from primary to high school, things started to erupt. On the day everybody found out, I was followed around the yard by literally hundreds of people. Since then I have experienced verbal abuse pretty much every day; it even became the case that as I moved up in years, younger students that were new each summer decidedly established me as ‘the lesbian’. I’ve been asked a lot of questions, but they don’t bother me. I’ve been beat up, not severely, but who can rate how serious something like that is? Due to the effect it had on my personal life and the person I was becoming, I stopped eating, twice. I was made to feel so uncomfortable that I couldn’t even stand in the dinner queue around people I didn’t know. The most damaging experience for me would be being spat at; this is something I wouldn’t wish upon anybody as it makes you feel so unbelievably disgusting, and undeserving of life.

How did this homophobic bullying affect you at the time?
The bullying had a huge impact on my school work and home life. Although my grades never really dipped throughout the worst periods of this unwanted attention, I found it a lot harder to concentrate, worrying about silly things like leaving the classroom for break, or getting across the yard between lessons. At home it was even harder. I stayed quiet most of the time, but I became quite defensive and loud if someone asked me how my day went. I became someone I didn't know. I never told my mother about it at first; I didn't know how she'd react.

What would be your message of support to young people currently being bullied for being gay, lesbian or bisexual?
The most important moral for me was teaching myself that I wasn’t the problem, it was them, those who abused me. I’ve never been through denial because I know that how I feel and the person I am isn’t ever going to change; I’m always going to be a lesbian regardless of how many people find it disgusting or inhumane. A lot of the people I knew deserted me and left me to deal with all of the harassment alone, this is why I never felt confident enough to tell people who mattered. I knew that as it only affected me directly and not those around me, that I would have to do a lot of the graft by myself; having two very supportive friends helped in times when I struggled. It didn’t take long for me to understand that I could beat the bullies and that I was a far better person than they could ever dream of being; this strength and self-belief alone led to me telling my mother and other family members.

My message would be that you are your own person, nobody else can decide who or what you are. Those first feelings you get towards someone of the same sex are terrifying, and you instantly feel ‘unnatural’; you need to understand that there are so many other people around you that have felt or currently feel the same way. You’re not alone, and things do get better.

This year’s Anti-Bullying Week campaign is based on tackling verbal bullying. The theme is ‘Stop and think – words can hurt’. Do you have anything in particular to say about verbal bullying and the effect it had on you?
Today, I still experience verbal abuse on a daily basis. Over the past few years I’ve taught myself to ignore it, but at the very beginning of my life as an ‘out’ lesbian it was the worst form of punishment. If someone punches you, the bruises can die away, you can hide the scars and pretend it’s alright, but with verbal abuse the words repeat themselves, they jog around your mind all the time and you begin to show it through how you act. People can tell your thoughts are painful, and they often find it difficult to know what to do; this makes it worse for you as it feels like they’re ignoring your pain and suffering. It’s so easy to judge people or to say things that may echo in their thoughts, but nobody ever stops to think that what they’re saying could kill someone, could cause them to stop eating, could cause them depression.

Kieran, 14

Kieran

How would you describe your school experience?
It started out ok at the beginning of year 7 but when I told people I was gay at the end of that year everything turned horrible. My close friends weren’t bothered and tried to support me but school made me feel lonely and scared. I hated going because I didn’t know what was going to happen from one day to the next.

You experienced homophobic bullying at school. Can you talk us through what happened to you?
News that I was gay spread round the school really quickly maybe because I was so young, and I became a target for bullies straight away. I would be spat on, kicked, punched and strangled by boys and girls on almost a daily basis. If I wasn’t physically attacked I would be called all kinds of names. They changed my name from Kieran to Queeran and that’s what they would call me. I was told I must be a paedophile and that I must fancy my own brother.

Some of the worst physical attacks involved being head-butted and having my tooth knocked out. One lad tried to set my hair on fire in the toilets, another much older boy in year 11 broke a teachers arm trying to attack me, the poor teacher was only trying to protect me, if she hadn’t been there I don’t know what he would have done to me. At lunch time in the canteen I would get food and drink thrown at me so in the end I skipped my lunch and would go hungry till I got home.

Travel to and from school was a nightmare because I would get chased by gangs of boys and girls so my family or family friends would take it in turns to drive me to and from school. On the last day at my old school there was no one to pick me up from school and I was chased out into the road by three older lads ages 17, 18 and 19. They didn’t even go to my school but were brought to get me by someone in my year. During those 18 months my mum had called the police and was always at the school trying to sort things out, but nothing changed. Sometimes I would be sent home from school for my own protection so I was missing out on my education. My mum begged me to let her change me schools because she was so scared for my safety but at the time I didn’t want to leave the friends I did have. Eventually after being chased home on that last day I told my mum I had had enough and was too scared to go back. It took 15 weeks of being stuck at home until I got into an alternative school. A few people in my new school know that I’m gay and they have been fine about it. It’s still early days as I haven’t been there long but I feel a lot more comfortable there and I don’t feel scared any more.

How did this homophobic bullying affect you at the time?
I became very depressed and lonely and would sit in my bedroom and cry a lot. I told my mum I didn’t want to be here any more and she got me counselling straight away because she could see how much I was hurting and was scared that I was going to hurt myself. It affected my family too as my older brother got into rows sticking up for me and my mum was also becoming depressed and crying all the time.

What would be your message of support to young people currently being bullied for being gay, lesbian or bisexual?
Don’t suffer on your own, speak to family and friends and get support. Not everyone is nasty and narrow minded and there are people out there who will love and support you just the way you are.

This year’s Anti-Bullying Week campaign is based on tackling verbal bullying, with the theme ‘Stop and think – words can hurt’ do you have anything in particular to say about this type of bullying and the effect it had on you?
Homophobic language needs tackling at home and in school and with your friends. All kinds of people have started to use the word gay to describe something that they don’t like and they seem to think it’s acceptable and there’s no harm in it, but they need to see that its just as unacceptable as using racist language. It makes you feel worthless and it’s upsetting but since I’ve been having counselling I know that the problem is with the bullies and that I’m a nice person.

Charlie, 22

How would you describe your school experience?
I suppose I really enjoyed school; I was lucky in many ways to be a scholarship and bursary-boy at a private school – the teaching was excellent, you could do anything you wanted under the sun (other than be out), and I’ve now got some really great friends. The only problem was how some of the others behaved; as though the world owed them a living, and as though their version of ‘normal’ was the only way. Believe me, it wasn’t.

You experienced homophobic bullying at school. Can you talk us through what happened to you?
It just wasn’t ok to be out. We had one ‘gay’ boy at school. I barely dared to tell anyone because they always told others for their own amusement; even my best friend stopped talking to me for a while because it wasn’t ‘normal’. I remember one particularly idiotic incident when some people had found out and threatened to put posters up around the school about it. The problem was the lack of any support from the teachers, most of whom you imagined harboured the same kind of homophobia as the students.

How did this homophobic bullying affect you at the time?
It shattered my faith in other people, and really probably hampered my time in a leadership role in my last year. Having always to watch your back, and growing up in a climate of fear, really doesn’t help you get the grades; and nor does it help you to come to terms with being gay yourself. I just desperately wanted to be straight, or turn straight, or act straight, at the very least.

What would be your message of support to young people currently being bullied for being gay, lesbian or bisexual?
Just because some people have a problem with it, it doesn’t mean it’s abnormal. There will be so many other people just like you dealing with it – many of whom are also scared or being bullied. Stand up for yourself – even if this just means doing so in your own company. Being gay, bisexual or lesbian is part of you – and part of what makes you the person you are. It’s not wrong, and not being ‘normal’ is not actually your problem, or a problem at all! And believe me, your true friends love the person you are in its entirety, not some made-up normalised rubbish that some insecure kids come out with to make themselves feel better at your expense.

This year’s Anti-Bullying Week campaign is based on tackling verbal bullying, with the theme ‘Stop and think – words can hurt’. Do you have anything in particular to say about this type of bullying and the effect it had on you?
Even inadvertent use of ‘gay’ as an insult can really get to people, stopping them coming out and stopping them being themselves. To those of you who are straight and still do it, just remember that some of your friends may be hiding a huge part of themselves to conform to your stereotype, and you might be missing some of the best bits of them because of it. Being gay, bisexual or lesbian is part of who we are – so don’t start casually using bits of our personalities to abuse others. It’s kinda stupid, and it’s so 1990s.

Felix, 22

Felix

How would you describe your school experience?
The principal emotion that dominates my memory of my secondary school experience is, for the first two years of my time there, isolation. Entering my catholic secondary school as an overweight and awkward 11 year old without any friends from my previous primary school, I was clearly an outsider from the outset. The fact that I wasn’t interested in football, girls or cars separated me from my peers even more. The latter part of my time at school was better as I got a girlfriend, that I had absolutely no sexual interest in whatsoever, in year 9, which also helped me make some friends. If I’m completely honest this is the only reason I stayed with her and I still had a pretty miserable time until I left my school in year 11. Overall, my experience was a pretty bleak and lonely one indeed.

You experienced homophobic bullying at school. Can you talk us through what happened to you?
The bullying that I was subjected to was carried out in three ways. The first was verbal bullying, with ‘bender’, ‘batty boy’, ‘poof’, and ‘faggot’ being shouted at me on a daily basis from both my peers in my year group and my brother’s friends three years above me. The second was physical: being pushed over on the ground with my dinner tray, shoved up against a wall by a classmate whilst he mimicked having sex with me from behind, or having various classroom items such as dictionaries thrown at me over the course of the day. The third, and to a large extent a culmination of what I mentioned above, was emotional bullying: being followed home and having homophobic insults shouted at me, being asked why I didn’t have any friends, having lies spread about me amongst my peers and being completely ignored by my teachers during the whole affair.

How did this homophobic bullying affect you at the time?
I felt worthless and alone. I didn’t want to tell my family about the nature of the bullying, because I was scared that they would find out that I was actually gay, so I kept everything to myself and became gradually more withdrawn and depressed.

What would be your message of support to young people currently being bullied for being lesbian, gay or bisexual?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. People bully because they are scared, and because they don’t want to understand difference. Being different is something that you should absolutely not be ashamed of, and regardless of what anybody says or does to you, you always have to remember that things really do get better. There really are people who have been through what you’re going through and who have used their dreadful experience at school as a pinnacle of strength in their lives.

This year’s Anti-Bullying Week campaign is based on tackling verbal bullying, with the theme ‘Stop and think – words can hurt’. Do you have anything in particular to say about this type of bullying and the effect it had on you?
I am now a grown adult who offers welfare support to young vulnerable LGBT people in my community; and yet, when I hear the words ‘faggot’, ‘queer’, ‘bender’, or ‘poof’ being used today, I immediately feel like a worthless and solitary 11 year old all over again. Deliberate verbal bullying is cheap, malicious and has everlasting effects. A one-off, vicious comment can linger within someone’s insecurities for life.